Healing Through Yarn: Personal Stories of Overcoming

In 2012 my mom came to visit me in Arizona for Christmas. She was working on a beautiful pink blanket for a baby. I watched her work away counting stitches and wishing I could do something like that.  Before she left for Georgia, she had bought me a basic crochet hook set and a skein of yarn, red of course. She helped me chain a row and then taught me a basic single crochet stitch.  I VERY tightly crocheted my first scarf that was more triangle than scarf. Dropping stitches, adding stitches, forgetting how to turn, oh the fun mess I made.  Frustrated with my creation and overwhelmed by my need to be perfect in every way I put the messy ball, hooks, and half-finished triangle aside. I beat myself down and told myself I was inadequate, that I didn’t have the discipline to ever create anything as beautiful as my mom does.

Three years later and we’re fast forwarded to 2015 a very distressing time in my life.  My husband has told me he wants a divorce.  I’ve packed my things and moved myself into an apartment as part of our separation. While unpacking I came across the box that had that red pile of mess. I looked at it and thought about how my perfectionism was holding me back.  I looked at it and decided that if I could let the flaws go, if I could overcome my fear of not being perfect, if I found a way to finish that scarf maybe I could overcome fears that overwhelmed me to the point of being unable to move. Maybe I would be alright.

I slowly unwound that triangle scarf, wound it into a wonky ball, and started to watch YouTube videos, reteaching myself the basics. That’s when it clicked, do the stitch repeatedly, build the muscle memory.  Use that ball of yarn to reteach myself how to crochet.  Little did I know at that time that crochet would become so much more a part of my life, a part of my journey, and a part of healing myself.

I picked up that wonky re-rolled mess of yarn and started with chaining.  I must have chained and unrolled then re-rolled that ball 20 times until my hands knew just what to do.  Then I moved on, single crochet, double crochet, and triple crochet, unwinding and rewinding until I felt confidence in the muscle memory I built.   After about 2 or 3 months I noticed a change in how I was feeling.  When I picked up the ball and worked on learning stiches and compared it to how I felt when I put it down. Coming home from work after a frustrating or stressful day, full of anxiety and ruminating thoughts, I would pick that wonky mess up and my hands would just go.  When I would finally put that mess down at night, I would feel like I could breathe a little better, like my shoulders were carrying a little less weight. I noticed I was able to put my restless energy into the simple movements of my hands.  That my mind was free to process the day, process the problems I was facing at the time.  I would crochet every night until it was time to go to bed.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but my mind was cleaning up the clutter, making space for me to learn how to crochet and appreciate the work that goes into each and every stitch, I was also leaning who I was again. Learning to look at myself in the mirror and begin to like what I saw instead of seeing a shell of a person looking back and wondering who the hell she was.

So here I am 10 years later and so much has changed. Crochet has been my coping mechanism, my outlet for anxiety, my escape from the world when life gets harsh. I’ve made so many different things, learned so many lessons, and carried it with me on some fantastic adventures.  Along the way I realized I also enjoy supporting other artists and creators in the community.  I love hearing their stories, especially if a piece that catches my eye has a sentimental meaning to the artist.  I love to buy those either for myself or as a gift for family and friends.  I love knowing that my support maybe helping them with their craft and if they are like me, it’s also helping them in their journey to heal.

Recently I had an idea, I should attach the stories of life to my projects. I should share what I'm ruminating over, what crazy adventure a skein of yarn is on with me, and what I'm binge watching while letting my mind free to organize the chaos. I realized it was time to start documenting this journey of mine. So much has changed over the last 10 years, what adventures will I have and how will crochet help me in the next 10? So Welcome to Pieces By Neicy the blog! My hope is to inspire you, to be honest about how I manage my depression and anxiety. Have a place o share with anyone willing to read that it's ok to have set backs, I believe I am the queen of set backs! I will share my honest thoughts, share things that run through my mind (ruminations), and at times keep me up at night. I want to share how I cope and overcome. Stay tuned for stories and updates on projects and life in general!